About Me

I opened Boots & Black Coffee in 2019 and like other facets of my life, I did nothing with it. Well, I'm back. I'm back with so much to report on. For now, though, I'm just going to talk a little bit about myself.

Humans are such complex creatures. Too complex to ever judge or understand from knowing solely by the internet. I truly believe if everyone just understood that and showed others some patience AND demonstrated self-control, we would all be living in a much more peaceful world. Anyway, I am just another complex person. I have so many sides, all aching to be appeased. I'm not sure if I was always this way but I can say for certain it wasn't always this prominent. It can be difficult because I always feel like I am chasing something. I always feel like I have things to do and accomplish, with no reprieve from actually doing so. It's not that I accomplish nothing- in fact, my husband says when I set my mind to something, it's like a superpower I have, this ability to accomplish so much in a short period of time- it's that it's never enough. Mindset of a 1%-er? Maybe...maybe it will grant me all the success I wish for. The happiness and healing, though? I'm not so sure.

When I was very young, I was super shy. Like, super-duper shy. I always thought whispers were about me and that I was always doing something wrong. I was insecure with low self-esteem. All I ever wanted was companionship. This led to me making some really bad decisions growing u because I wanted companionship which was a shame because I was such a good kid. I didn't tell my first lie for longer than most children can say, and I was very obedient to my parents or really anyone because I was a people pleaser and peace is all I ever wanted. I was scared of anything and everything. I always had quit the imagination. what can I say, I'm a Pisces! And true to my horoscope (if you're into that sort of thing) I constantly lived in a fantasy world. My world to this day is still pretty fantastical at heart although I've become quit the realist. Bottom line, I always have been and always will be a dreamer.

In the (I'm guessing here) 1st grade, we started learning about poetry. I was absolutely hooked. The art of rhyming and manipulating words to form unique ideas just had me by the heart strings. Then, I discovered Emily Dickenson. That was it for me. I was a poet. My pop-pop Sonny (a hell of a musician that could play literally anything without the ability to read a note of music) always used to say, "I'm a poet and don't know it!" Well, I knew I was infatuated with it. And that there was the start of a lifetime of reading and writing. I was so shy, heavily bullied for both my size (I was as scrawny as they get) and mixed-race, to such a degree I was terrified to go to school most days. Debilitating fear of the fate that awaited me each day. But I could always count on my books and my writing to free my mind and anxieties. I could transport to a place where only creativity and imagination could flourish. I could be myself without fear of judgement or violent harassment. If you knew me then, you wouldn't believe the person I turned out to be today. Stick with me here though, and you'll see.

When I was 13, pop-pop Sonny passed away from cancer. It shook my whole world. You see, Sonny was the glue that held the family together. The patriarch who gracefully sat atop his mustard yellow and brown plaid recliner in the heart of Bridgeton, NJ where us grandkids would gravel at his feet to play cards or the piano OR to complain about his expert yodeling (we actually enjoyed it). He was a man who adored Leanne Rhymes and Patsy Cline, as I very much do now. I never got too attached to the old bluegrass, though. hah. He inspired me so much and something inside of me died when he did. Something else in me snapped. I wrote a poem for his funeral that my uncle read aloud, and a little while previous to this I had written a poem that my parents submitted for publishing and GOT published. A whole page to myself. Only a hand-full of authors received a full page so it was a huge confidence booster for me. But everything kind of died off when Sonny did, and I became an unruly, disgusting teenager. I wasn't disgusting to other people; I simply wasn't built that way. But I was disgusting in my actions and what I allowed others to do.

I was definitely immersed in art as a kid aside from reading and writing. My mother was a wonderful artist and singer. Both sides of my family down the line were musicians of some sort. I just wasn't in-tune (pun intended) with my musical potential like I was with other art forms. So, while I went to the punk rock parties and Wednesday night coffee shop show gatherings, I found pleasure in drawing, painting, and instruments. My father played the drums and guitar and so did my brother. So, aside from singing in the elementary school chorus or auditioning for plays, I chose to play the clarinet in the school band. This was my first introduction to the instrumental part of music. I even used to draw my own music sheets and write songs on the clarinet. My music teacher believed in me so much she sent me to the All South Jersey Band auditions. I was so young; it was such an intimidating experience for me. But I was selected first chair and we put on a concert that evening! I still have the CD somewhere. Pop-pop Sonny had "an ear" which is why he could play anything without reading a lick of music. Move over Charlie Puth because my pop-pop did it first! (iykyk) I learned how to read music, after all being part of the All South Jersey Band meant being a sight reader, but I got his ear for sure. To this day I rely on my ear above all else.

With such success, I decided I wanted to take piano lessons. I was growing up by this point and did not want to practice 2 hours a day or do much of anything besides be a shit head lazy teenager. But I stayed with it until I reached the limit of what that particular teacher could teach me. Then, as you've probably guessed, I gave it up. I joined the high school choir, but not band. Since high school was in a new town where I didn't know anyone, I was too shy to audition for plays anymore or play sports. Oh yeah, I was a hell of a soccer and hockey player. I played other sports too; I just wasn't good at them. Being scrawny was only favorable when I needed to be agile- whether that be aerobic, non-contact sports or escaping bullies.

Fast-forward to adulthood...

When I found someone thick-skinned enough to deal with my shit and patient enough to understand it, I married him. We got married in a small, woodland-themed brewery wedding with close friends, family, and a ton of pumpkins surrounding us. As a surprise to my husband, I sang my way down the aisle to him in lieu of being given away. I happily gave myself away, and it made the moment so much more intimate and meaningful. From there I started doing open mics and finding my voice again. I was terrified but the new hubbs believed in me so what could go wrong!

Today you would be surprised to hear that I ever played an instrument, since I can barely read notes anymore or articulate anything in the language of music theory. I've mostly lost it. I have pop-pop Sonny's piano in my house now and tinker with it occasionally. It's over 100 years old and I get it tuned every 6 months whether I touch it or not. I have a guitar I'm trying to self-teach. I can hear like most others cannot, though. I was told at a very young ago that I had perfect pitch- sorry, absolute pitch. Although harder to verify these days on account of not being able to name notes or articulate theory anymore, I show it in the way I write and sing music...or collaborate with others, or correct others lol.

In other blogs I will take you through the journey of how I took the ASVAB multiple times in high school, eventually joined the Army, and ended up where I am now. The Army turned my life around, and although I married Uncle Sam for over 13 years and losing any creative juices I had ever possessed, I would never take it back. It made me the resilient and strong person I am today. I am not afraid to try new things. I am not afraid of failure. I have nothing left to lose in that way. So you see, I've spent a lifetime chasing and overcoming challenges. I've always had something to prove to myself or to others. I am still this way and "it's" just never enough for me. I struggle to feel useful in this world. I need to contribute to this world and continue to lead by example. It does not come easy for someone medically forced out of service who still has an ego to feed. I found art again though, since my separation from service and it saved me. I've tinkered in nearly art form you can think of. I even tattooed someone once! I became a Soldier and deployed in support of Operation Enduring Freedom. I became Civil Affairs. I became a United States Army Drill Sergeant. I became a Cross fitter and competition bodybuilder. I ran every obstacle course race you can think of. I am a mother. A wife. A daughter who (gladly) takes care of her long-divorced mother. I have no father in my life, by choice. I love riding my motorcycle. I love going to the firearms range. I love roller coasters but hate free falls. I absolutely love the outdoors. Wake boarding is dope. I'm still sensitive, just in different ways. I mostly do not gaf what other people think, and even when I do, it doesn't change the way I think or feel. I am doing my best to raise a confident daughter who doesn't squander her talents and beliefs like I did, and to raise a son who is strong, masculine, just, affectionate, resilient, respectful, and fair. I am a gigging vocalist at whatever bar or venue will hire me so I can put my kids through a good school, while also connecting with my community. I am a frontwoman and writer for an original rock band that I adore. I am an active member (Senior Vice Commander and district trustee and national aide-de-camp, to be exact) for my local Veterans of Foreign Wars- VFW- post. I believe that grit and determination will get you wherever you want to be.

If you've stuck with me this long, thank you. It's not easy putting oneself out there but I'm giving it a go. I am STILL rediscovering myself. Buckle up, this is just the tip of the iceberg.

Much Love

-T